Crying Millennial

WASHINGTON — Millions of millennials gathered across the U.S. this week to cry publicly after a new study found that Generation Z absolutely loathes them.

“We’ve known for a long time that Boomers and Xers hate us,” blubbered 35-year-old Ashley Patterson of Racine, Wisc. “We really wanted the younger kids to think we were cool!”

Generation Z consists of people born after 1996, and its eldest members have recently reached adulthood. Their predecessors, the Millennials, are rapidly approaching middle age and running out of excuses for acting like infants.

“In high school, my freshman English teacher was a Millennial who used to show up 15 minutes late to class every day,” said 20-year-old Jacob Mason of Austin, Tx. “When we complained, his mom called the principal and said we were picking on him because he couldn’t tell time.”

The new study from Pew Research found that 68% of Generation Z can’t stand to be in the same room as Millennials, 21% would rather jump out a window than stay in the room, and 11% wish the room would just burn down.

Despite orders to stay indoors due to the coronavirus, Millennials across the U.S. could not resist venturing outside to livestream themselves speaking publicly about the Pew study.

“I’m tired of being called an entitled narcissist!” said 33-year-old Josh Carter as he held an iPhone on a selfie stick and addressed his 13 followers.

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.