Ted Nugent

WASHINGTON — NASA reported today that it received a signal from deep space that shows President Ted Nugent speaking from the Oval Office in 2029.

Addressing the nation via satellite, the 81-year-old Motor City Madman appeared to believe for a moment that he was performing at Nashville Municipal Auditorium in 1977. “Anybody wants to get mellow,” he shrieked, “You can turn around and get the fuck outta here!”

The fugue state passed after aides gently distracted Nugent with photos of dead animals. “I want to thank Donald Trump for appointing me President after his second term,” he said. “Elections are suspended until I say they ain’t.”

Nugent introduced 16-year-old Brandy Nugent, his legal ward and the youngest first lady in U.S. history. Sweaty Teddy recalled how he met Brandy at the 4 Play Gentlemen’s Club in Las Vegas when she was 13. “Her mom gave her to me for a bag of meth,” he said. “Now look at her. She’s a role model.”

The video feed cut to Vice President Kid Rock wiping a tear from his eye.

In response to a record number of mass shootings in 2029, Nugent introduced a plan to distribute assault rifles to all American citizens. “I want the bad guys dead,” he said. “No court case. No parole. No early release. I want ’em dead. Get a gun, and when they attack you, shoot ’em.”1

Nugent denied that the number of U.S. deaths from COVID-19 had surpassed two million on the day he was sworn in. He accused other nations of lying about having beat the disease and claimed that only he could end the pandemic. “I know more about diseases than anybody,” he said. “I wrote ‘Cat Scratch Fever.'”

1Actual quote from Nugent at the 2005 Meeting of the National Rifle Association in Houston

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.