QAnon $ Kids

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Department of Education announced this week that the state’s public schools have begun teaching the QAnon theory to students in kindergarten through twelfth grade.

“Tomorrow’s workers are going to need QAnon training for twenty-first century jobs like militia leader and doomsday prepper,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

QAnon supporters believe an elite group of cannibalistic, Satan-worshipping pedophiles are running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotting against President Trump. The group’s alleged members include Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Tom Hanks.

At Southside Elementary School in Sarasota, teacher Misty McNutt introduced the new curriculum to her first-grade class. “Just like we saw in the documentary film Monsters Inc., Justin Bieber wants to torture you and suck out your adrenaline to make drugs,” she told the children, who began crying and wetting their pants.

Across town at Sarasota High School, teachers have replaced textbooks with printed pages from the websites 4chan and 8kun. “If you’ll turn to page 72,” history teacher Ronald White told an eleventh-grade class, “we’ll read how George Soros assassinated Abraham Lincoln and then escaped in a time machine.”

Republican Senator Rick Scott said he’s thrilled with the state’s new curriculum. “Once these kids are old enough to vote, I’ll never have to campaign again,” he said. “They’ll vote Republican for life.” Scott has quit fundraising and is using his campaign war chest to build a retirement home in the Florida Keys.

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.