Kimberly Guilfoyle

NEW YORK — Kimberly Guilfoyle is plotting to dump Donald Trump Jr. for Hunter Biden as poll numbers increasingly show Biden’s father defeating President Trump in November. In interviews with more than a dozen Guilfoyle confidantes, Shitpostr has learned that nothing is off limits for this social-climbing black widow!

According to one gal-pal, Guilfoyle couldn’t care less that Biden has a wife. “He married that bitch six days after he met her!” Guilfoyle told the friend. “You think I can’t snag him in six days with these $20,000 tits?!”

Guilfoyle and Trump Jr. recently bumped into Biden at outdoor restaurant Grand Banks in New York, said friends who were there. Trump Jr. made a beeline for the exit, but Guilfoyle turned to Biden, raised a fist to her face with thumb and pinky extended, and mouthed the words “call me.”

Fame Addiction

Once a promising prosecutor who modeled lingerie on the side, celebrity-hungry Guilfoyle ditched public service for an on-air gig at Court TV in 2004. The job took her 3,000 miles away from then-hubby Gavin Newsom, who was mayor of San Francisco. “She ditched Gav after he’d outlived his usefulness,” said a former friend of the couple. Newsom eventually cheated on Guilfoyle with his secretary.

After the couple divorced, Guilfoyle clawed her way to a top hosting job at Fox News. The former first lady of San Francisco burned every bridge she’d built with California Democrats to feed her insatiable hunger for the limelight. She began investing heavily in plastic surgery to compete with Fox News costar Megyn Kelly. “Before Kim got her first boob job, she sneaked into Megyn’s dressing room and measured her cup size,” said a former coworker.

In 2006, Guilfoyle married furniture heir Eric Villency in a desperate bid for publicity. She personally managed media coverage of their wedding in Barbados, bossing around reporters and camera crews like paid servants. “It was Bridezilla meets Leni Riefenstahl,” said one of the cameramen. The marriage fell apart three years later——and so did Guilfoyle’s TV career after she showed dick pics to her Fox News coworkers.

In 2018, ex-hubby Newsom got elected governor of California, throwing Guilfoyle into a tailspin of envy and regret. “Knowing Gavin was on a fast track to the White House drove Kim crazy,” said a long-time friend. “That’s when she started coming unglued.”

Guilfoyle’s former housekeeper remembers the disgraced TV host’s descent into madness. “She started gulping down Ativan, injecting her face with Botox twenty times a day, and screaming at me for hanging designer gowns on wire hangers,” the domestic said.

Circling the Drain

Desperate for a comeback, Guilfoyle sprang into action when she heard Trump Jr. had separated from his wife. She threw herself at the dimwitted heir, who was ten years younger than her and an easy mark. Trump Jr. got Guilfoyle a job running a pro-Trump super PAC, which she promptly screwed up. Then he got her a speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention, where she shouted at an empty room like a mental patient.

After the convention, Guilfoyle could see the writing on the wall: Trump continued to lag Biden in the polls. She needed an exit strategy, but she’d thrown away her legal career, her TV career, and every friend she once had in the Democratic Party. What was left?

Friends say 51-year-old Guilfoyle was recently spotted at Cougars, an outdoor bar in Wilmington, Del. “She was hoping Hunter might show up,” said a former friend. Guilfoyle was ejected after staff found her in the men’s room with the 21-year-old son of a county alderman.

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.