Wilford Brimley

HELL — Satan on Friday officially refused to admit Wilford Brimley to hell, saying the deceased actor’s curmudgeonly rants were too torturous even for the eternally damned.

Brimley, who died last week at age 85, had been condemned to the lake of fire for tormenting audiences on Earth with self-righteous speeches for decades. But the very sin that earned him damnation proved intolerable to the most infamous sinner of all.

“He just wouldn’t shut up about individual rights,” said Satan. “I mean, who has rights in hell?”

Upon arriving at the gates of the underworld, Brimley refused to undergo standard check-in procedures and demanded to speak with a manager. Astaroth, the Great Duke of Hell, was apparently not good enough for the prickly player, who said he would speak only with Satan.

After the Prince of Darkness was pulled out of an important meeting, Brimley harangued him for forty-five minutes. “He went on and on about ‘diabeetus,'” said Satan. The angry artiste insisted he was entitled to an eternal supply of insulin for his type two diabetes, adding that he was “gosh darn sick ‘n tired of being sick ‘n tired” from the disease.

Brimley also demanded that Satan allow him to bet on cockfights, arguing that a ban on cockfighting could lead to bans on other uses of animals in hell. “What’s next,” Brimley asked. “No more scorpions and serpents for torturing sinners? Where does it end?”

The last straw was an impromptu speech in which Brimley urged the denizens of hell to replace Satan with former Senator John McCain. “He’ll get this dump ship shape faster than a camel jockey runnin’ from the Marines,” Brimley said.

Not amused, Satan ordered Brimley ejected from hell, leaving the mustachioed misanthrope to wander purgatory for eternity. “Usually, we’ll take any loser,” Satan said. “But this walrus-looking mother fucker can pound sand.”

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.