Jeffrey Toobin

NEW YORK — Former journalist Jeffrey Toobin has launched a comeback two weeks after The New Yorker magazine fired him for masturbating on a Zoom videoconference call. Embracing his new image, Toobin has appointed himself spokesman for a worldwide community of masturbators known as gooners.

Named for the grotesque faces they make while pleasuring themselves, gooners like to repeatedly bring themselves to the edge of climax until they achieve a hypnotic state. They often drool, moan, and profess love for their penis while performing the technique, which they call gooning. Many gooners enjoy gooning together via videoconference.

Toobin claims he was trying to start a group gooning session when he began fondling himself on a Zoom call with fellow journalists in October. “After people got upset, I said it was an accident,” Toobin told Shitpostr. “Believe me, it wasn’t an accident.”

The pud-pulling pundit had long dreamed of initiating his coworkers into the rites of goonerdom. “It got lonely being the only gooner in the office,” Toobin said. “I felt like I couldn’t be my authentic self at work.”

After losing his job, Toobin decided to bring attention to the issue of goonerphobia. “I belong to a minority group that is discriminated against in the workplace,” he said. “If lactating mothers can pump milk from their breasts in the office, I should be able to pump semen from my balls on Zoom.”

Tip Shorts

Tip Shorts won fourth place in the Belchertown Continuation School journalism contest. He has written for Solid Waste Weekly, The Deadhorse Picayune, and All About Balls. His investigative reporting led to the 2008 boycott of Al's Muffler Shop in Toad, Kentucky.