gig worker

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Boo hoo! That’s the sound of the California crybabies who passed a law requiring businesses to classify gig workers as employees. These anti-capitalist snowflakes want to tax entrepreneurs right out of business so they can pay more welfare to illegal aliens!

I recently discussed this cruel law with Don Trump Jr. while we were shooting snow leopards from a Hummer in some shithole country. He told me about an anecdote that proves the law was backed by the deep state.

CNBC, my favorite network, reported that 26-year-old Sam Lyon made over $8,000 by driving for Uber Eats for 12 hours a day, every day, for a month. My first reaction was, only 12 hours? What a pussy! Then I realized this guy had proved an important point—even if he proved it on that Chinese spy app TikTok.

Anybody who’s not a soy-boy like Sam and drives 14 hours a day, every day, can make a six-figure income. If you’re a gig worker and you aren’t already doing this, you’ re pretty much a loser. You have no one to blame but yourself for not having healthcare or retirement savings.

The deep state wants to make you an employee so they can take taxes out of your paycheck. That’s money you could use to pay for oil changes and tires so you can drive more hours and make more money to pay for more oil changes and tires.

As a shareholder, I’m pissed that Uber’s stock price is the same as it was a year ago. Stock prices are only supposed to go up! I have a job, too, and it’s making sure Uber’s gig workers make more money for me. How can I do that if Uber has to file an insurance claim every time some kid who’s been driving for 72 hours crashes on his way to deliver waffle tacos?

If you’re a young, single, childless, friendless insomniac, there’s no limit to the income you can earn as an independent gig worker. Let the weak drop dead in the street as you drive over them on your way to financial freedom! Once you realize your earning potential, you’ll gladly vote to overturn California’s radical socialist law. If you don’t, you’re Antifa, and the police can shoot you on sight.

Reginald Farnsworth IV

Mr. Farnsworth is a philanthropist and man of letters. He enjoys teaching others to succeed through hard work and self-discipline. He inherited a trust at 18 and has never held a job.